People who have seen my blog always say that judging me from my blog they feel that I'm sad. So I decided I’ll write something which does not project me as a sad person. But unfortunately before I could write something “non sad” I had to write this.

 

I don’t update my blog or my diary very regularly. I write about things that mean a lot to me or which leave a great impact on my soul. So I write about this incident.

 

Time: 3 days before Diwali i.e., 19^th October, 2006, 1700hrs.

 

I was wearing my best casual cloths. Best casual cloths means they were casual yet expensive. I slipped on my flip flops and checked my bag to confirm I have all the required cards for shopping. I thought wow, this is life! Life is when your dad gives you his gold credit card and doesn’t specify a spending limit.

 

“Raunak” I called my brother “are you ready to go?”

“I’ll be down in a second, why don’t you take out car?” said Raunak.

I checked for car keys and realized dad took the car I was supposed to take. Then my eyes fell on a new techy keychain. Things couldn’t get better, I grabbed the keychain and said bye to mom.

 

“You don’t need to buy the whole mall, remember that.” Said my mom from the kitchen. I chose to ignore that. As I stepped out, I heard the phone ringing. Realizing mom is busy in kitchen, I took it.

 

“Hello?”

“Umm uh is this Mehtaji’s residence?” Enquired an old female voice. She sounded abnormal to me. I didn’t know why.

“Yes, whom do you want to talk to?”

“I’m Mrs. Patil. I called to inform you that Mr. Kela...”

 

I didn’t want to hear what her next words were. Because I knew what she will say. I knew who Mrs. Patil is and who Mr. Kela is. She told me about the funeral. I think she did. I was blank. I didn’t know what to do or say. I just stood there with the phone next to my ears.

 

“Hello?” said Mrs. Patil.

“Aunty this is Nidhi this side. I’ll just call my mummy.”

“Mummy. Mummy.” I shouted covering the mouthpiece. My mother sensing urgency in my voice came out of kitchen immediately. I just stared at her and gave her the phone. The new keychain was still in my hand, door was open and my brother was ready. But I was confused. I didn’t know what to do so I sat down on the couch.

 

“Great! You were shouting at the top of your voice and now you are sitting here. Could you please move now? And do you have car keys?”

“Shh.” I silenced him with finger on my lip. He just shrugged and sat down next to me. Mom was still on phone.

 

We were both silent again. There were tears in my eyes and I was trying hard to keep them below. Mom replaced the receiver.

 

“Kela uncle passed away today, about an hour ago.” I told Raunak.

“What?” he sounded surprised and shocked.

 

Then mom told us that he was already having some heart troubles but even she didn’t know exactly what happened today. We sat in silence for a minute and then said “anyways let go, else we will get late.”

“Yeah,” said Raunak “bye mummy.”

“Bye-bye, don’t be long.”

 

We chose to ignore those words. We spent 4 hours in the mall, shopping. We were exhausted because of all the walking, trying on different cloths and shoes and matching the accessories. Both of us had bags in our hands. The only one who was still bubbling with life was our gold credit card. So we decided to go to a restaurant and relax. Places like Mc Donalds and Pizza Hut are cheap when you have a gold card. So we went to an up-market restaurant and had dinner in style. Obviously, we were the center of attraction with all the big brand bags that were tagging along us. The dinner was wonderful so was the drive back home as we were driving our new car. Fully loaded. When we reached home, mom informed us that we have to go on a social visit.

 

It was eleven in night when we came back. Raunak immediately started showing what all he got for himself. I just sat there while mom went through my stuff. I didn’t feel like showing anything. Finally we separated our bags and I took them to my room. I just threw them on the floor. “I’m so tired.” I told myself. Suddenly my expensive cloths became very uncomfortable. I immediately took them off and fell on the bed. Finally all the tears below my eyes came out, streaming slowly down my cheeks, caressing them softly. I could taste them on my lips. I cried because I knew what had happened.

 

Mr. Kela was not related to us. He was my grandfather’s friend. Though, he was younger than my grandfather, he visited our place frequently along with his wife. I used to love talking to him just like everyone else in my family. He was a very knowledgeable person who had a successful business, a big house and many cars. Sometimes I used to just listen to him talking as if he has cast spell on me. It’s customary to decorate a deceased person's memory with beautiful words, but for me -each adjective about Mr. Kela -is heartfelt.

 

Well it doesn’t matter how knowledgeable, humble or rich he was; what matters the most here is that he was a person. He was person whom others loved. Some respected him deeply and some cared for him. But now he was gone. And I was crying. I cried all my tears then I was just staring. I was staring at the ceiling or the sky beyond it. And I’m still hurting.

 

I know what it is like when a person dies. It’s not very difficult to explain. My personal experience says hat when a person dies he/she never comes back. That’s it. Is it that difficult to understand? No it is not. Not for me because I had some hopes about some people but despite all the hopes and prayers, nobody came back. And I know the same thing will happen again.

 

We will now be surrounded with memories. Some make us laugh, others cry and yet others make us think. But they are just memories. I know its time like these when you loose your faith in God. It's time like these when you start believing in God and tell ourselves that what happens is God’s decision and everything happens for good. I have been through all this so I know.

 

I looked at my room. It was messy. Beautiful things were scattered on the floor. I switched off the lights and closed my eyes. Smiling face of Mr. Kela came in front of me. Something salty caressed my cheek.

 

I know……. So I cried.

Every night before we go to bed we tell ourselves a little lie.

 

Don’t we all do that? A small one or a big one. We lie to make ourselves happy, we lie to overcome guilt, we lie to make ourselves believe that out life is perfect, we lie that the next morning when we wake up we will be good, good to ourselves and to others.

 

The stars twinkle n the moon shines. The soft breeze blows. Billowing curtains look romantic. Our eyes flutter and we fall asleep. And then we are lost in the magical world or dreams. Dreams which are our lies. We dream of a perfect world. We dream what we cant do. We dream what we cant see. We dream what we cant hear. We dream our lies. We dream our fantasies. Because we know that when we wake up next morning we will face the truth. The night is beautiful so are the dreams. Everything is perfect.

 

Perfection doesn’t end here. Perfection continues when sun rises in its golden glory. When birds chirp and flowers blossom. The world is beautiful and lively and full of energy.

 

Perfection continues till we open our sleepy eyes and then it ends right there. We wake up to reality. We break all our promises. Our worst fears come true. We realize we are not happy. We start living with a guilt. We come across the imperfections. We realize we are sad.

 

The day end and night comes. We go to bed to see beautiful dreams. And before we close our eyes we tell ourselves a little lie.

31^st of July. I went for a drive with my parents and my uncles and aunts. We all had our dinner. After dinner around 10 me and my brother were surfing net when my dad entered he room. He said he wants to see if tickets for Goa are available around 9^th August. To his utter disappointment all trains were running full. Then he checked for 4^th. Tickets were available. He booked 11 tickets. When the tickets were booked only 3 out of 11 people knew that they are going to Goa. Everyone was informed next day. We didn’t have any hotel booking. Everyone was arguing upon which hotel to take. And whether to stay in north Goa or south Goa. Amidst all these confusions we did our preparations and finally everything was settled and we boarded the train. It was a long journey or 24hrs, but one of the best of my life.

 

We were so many that there was no moment when you could get bored. Also the train would be taking the Konkan railway path which is very beautiful especially around rainy season. But what we saw was something for which there is no adjective for the beauty we saw was absolutely breathtaking. Lush green hills and fields and small waterfalls everywhere. It looked as if the whole land was carpeted. It was a like a perfect picture but only it was real. Our thirsty eyes couldn’t get enough of this. The green carpet of nature was beautifully dusted by different flowers of bright colors. It looked as if each and everything was careful selected for us and properly placed.

 

We were all so excited and finally we reached our resort. We walked up to the beach and before we spotted sand the roar of sea greeted us promising fun filled days ahead. When I finally saw the beach I was dumbstruck. The sand was while and the blue sky was reflected in water. The whole shore was decorated by shells and the sand was white and so welcoming. Since it was monsoon the weather was absolutely delightful as there was no scorching sun and we could easily roam around. The sea looked so inviting that I couldn’t control my self n ran in my room to change for a dip. I felt like a small child. I wanted to run on the beach, I wanted to make sand castle, I wanted to play where waves broke, I just wanted to do everything. Only problem being I didn’t know what to do first. My eyes were hungrily drinking this beautiful beach scene and my soul was dancing in pleasure for never have I seen such a natural beauty. I couldn’t get enough of anything. I couldn’t get enough of water or sand or the clear blue sky or the horizon. I could just stand there and see the day pass by and then see twinkling stars appear in sky. I could wait forever for the moon to come and then take a walk on the white sand. I could just walk on and on just to feel each and every grain of sand under my feet.

 

As the day passed by I became more and more jealous of people who were lucky enough to live in Goa. Everything was just perfect here. Unfortunately the day came when we had leave Goa. We went to the beach for one last walk. I bid goodbye to the hotel staff and we started our return journey. But there was still one surprise left. The track which our train was taking now is different from the one we took earlier. The train passes from a waterfall called Dudh Sagar. This fall was nestled among lush green hills. When I saw this fall the first time I was surprised for I did not know such beautiful things also exist on this earth. I kept on staring as my eyes couldn’t get enough. The train inched forward and slowly the fall disappeared. But now comes the real surprise. The track of train crosses the fall. When we reached the fall finally the view was heavenly. The gushing sound of water amidst the serene green hills. It was nothing but music for my soul. If heaven exists it has to be here. Words are not enough to describe, no poet can write about this, no painter has enough colors to paint this and no camera can do justice to this beautiful heavenly place. I am no exception. My writing can never do justification to this whole trip. Every minute I spend there it was wonderful. The beach, the water, the falls, the hills, the palm trees everything. My words can never contain them but fortunately I have vivid images in my memories, memories which will never fade, for this was music for my soul.

The Woman

 

I see her everyday. I move around her. I want to talk to her. There are so many things I want to tell her. I have move so many times but she never shows any interest. I don’t know why.

 

Many a time I stand behind her to turn n look at me so we can talk but I don’t know why does she behaves like she doesn’t know I’m there. We live together in my house and still we are strangers.

 

I remember all the nights when she was working on computer and I was just standing behind her. Whenever I entered the room she would freeze for a moment. She would stop typing and next second she would carry on like she doesn’t know I’m there behind her.

 

I do so much for her and others living with her. I don’t disturb anyone or try to talk to anyone accept for. I have to tell her so many things. It’s my house she is in. she is an outsider not me.

 

One night when she was sleeping and she saw a bad dream I went to her room, sat on her bed n caressed her back. Her dream ended and she woke up. Her back was towards me but she didn’t turn to look at me. She just pretended that she was sleeping. Am I such a bad person?

 

She treats me as if I am a ghost. Well I know very well who is who. I live with two children and to protect them I have never complained to her or anyone else. Others living with her don’t even know we are in the same house as they are. They think this is their house. She is the only one who knows about us. I try to keep my children quiet so she is not disturbed. She didn’t even know about them until one night when everyone was sleeping and I woke up my children so they can watch some TV. They could never do it in day time as other would get disturbed. It was very late. Everyone was sleeping but she was awake. My children were watching TV in her brother’s bedroom. He sleeps deep and this is where we usually watch TV. The cartoon ended and my children were so happy, it’s been so long. They were talking excitedly about it when I heard something: footsteps. Someone was coming. Someone was coming down the stairs. I instantly recognised the footsteps, it was her. I asked children to be quite. But she heard them. She paused near the door for few seconds then opened the door. Thankfully by that time we found place to hide. She didn’t see us. I breathed in relief. I thought she didn’t know about us.

 

My patience was wearing down. So one night I decided to say those first words. She was watching a soccer match. Her team had lost so she was a little depressed. I wanted to sooth her. She was in kitchen, driving water popping some pills. She didn’t know I was there behind her. I just started speaking. First she didn’t react then she turned, but she didn’t look at me. She was looking beyond me. She was looking at the refrigerator? I couldn’t believe myself. Is she so dumb that she thinks refrigerator talks?

 

She turned back n started taking out her pills from their packing but I noticed something she was very stiff and her hands were shaking slightly. She pretended to be cool and calm but she was scared of something. What? Whom? Was she scared of me? But why I’m not here to harm her. I just want to talk to her. But if she knew I was there why didn’t she talk to me?

That night I heard her talking on phone. She was talking about me. I was so happy. This is when I came to know that she knows about my children. She heard them talking that night. She was saying she heard some voice in kitchen. A woman’s voice. Yes, yes that’s me. You she heard me. I want to talk to her. My efforts have finally paid off. But what she said on phone shocked. She said she thinks someone wants to talk to her and she has felt this many time. But today she heard voices. I looked at her she was scared. She was so engrossed in her conversation that she didn’t realised I was there. She said that she feels someone wants to talk to her but she is the one who is not initiating anything and hence that person can’t talk to her. Oh why is she doing this to me I don’t understand. She knows I want to talk to her but still she won’t take that first step. If only she would all the boundaries would be erased and we can communicate freely. She also mentioned the night when I was caressing her to wake her up from the bad dream.

 

Oh she has finally acknowledged my presence. She also said that she knows I don’t want to harm her. But she still doesn’t want to talk to me. There are so many things that I want to tell her but I can’t. But I think it will happen soon, oh I’m so happy.

 

But now my hopes are dying out. People are telling her it’s just some voice in her mind. Nothing else. Maybe some sleep disorder as she has odd biological cycle. Or maybe she is hallucinating. Suddenly she wants to believe them.

 

One night her brother said he is going upstairs so she said yes go ahead why you are telling me that. He started laughing and said well because you hear strange voices psycho. He left. I could see that she was feeling bad. She stood there for a moment and got back to her work and left.

 

The Ghost

 

There is so much to explore once you are connected to internet. One site leads you to another. One interesting person leads to another. And you never want to get out of it.

 

One night while I was taking a dip in vast pool of information on internet I suddenly felt cold. He fingers hitting the keyboard at a record breaking speed froze. My whole body froze. I felt something, I felt someone. I suddenly had this feeling that someone was standing behind me.

 

I brushed the feeling aside and went back to the vast ocean of information. I tried to absorb everything I saw but I was still cold. I was sure someone is behind me. But I was too scared to turn back and look. So I continued with my exploration pretending I don’t feel anything so if someone is there that someone should just leave.

 

Next morning when I woke up I didn’t even remember what had happened in night. I didn’t think about it until I felt someone again. Same as yesterday someone was standing behind me.  I continued with my pretence of not noticing anything strange. But I didn’t dare turn and look and see for myself if someone is really behind me.  And another night passed away but the story did not end here. This was just the starting of endless disturbing nights of the stranger. The stranger behind me.

 

I could feel someone but I don’t know who it was. But I knew that stranger wanted to talk to me but since I’m not taking any step there cannot be any conversation between us. Time passed away and I was alone again.

But not for long. I was sleeping one night and saw a dream. A dream in which I saw I was being tortured by a girl who was dressed like me but she was a ghost. She was wearing my cloths. And suddenly she started caressing my back and I felt a little tickly. And I woke up but the caresses didn’t stop. Someone was still caressing my back. Someone was sitting on my bed. I didn’t dare open my eyes. The caressing stopped but someone was still sitting on my bed. I pretended that I was sleeping deep and I prayed oh god if you are there please save. After some minutes passed I was alone in my bed and in my room again. When I woke up in morning I was feeling a little weak a little shaken a little scared. I was thinking should I tell anyone about this or not. I decided not to.

 

But I thought this was the final nail in coffin and after this incident I never felt scared or the presence of some stranger until that night. It was late and I wanted to drink some water. I was coming down the stairs when I heard voices in my brother’s bedroom. So he is still watching TV. I heard voices of two children talking amongst each other. As soon as I stepped on the floor from stairs it was all silent. I stood outside my brother’s bedroom door for few seconds and then I opened the door. He was sleeping and there was no one in the room. Of course he’d be sleeping he said goodnight 2 hours ago. Did I really hear some children’s voices? What was it really? I went to the kitchen had my thirst quencher and went to my room. In morning as usual I had forgotten about this.

 

I moved on with my life forgetting about this stranger but the stranger won’t let this happen. Late one night after watching Germany loose to Italy in soccer world cup I was depressed and feeling low. I was not keeping well. I took my medicines to kitchen n while I was pouring water in glass I heard something. I turned to check the source of noise. The fridge was making a strange noise. I continued with chore in hand but suddenly that noise turned into voice. Voice of a woman slightly distorted a metallic distortion. I was scared to death. Suddenly all the incidents flashed in front of eyes. I continued to hear the woman’s voice. I couldn’t really make out he words. As usual I started pretending I can’t hear anything. But I was shaking. When I had taken all the pills it took one hell of courage to turn back.  There was no one behind me. But I could still hear the woman’s voice. With shaking legs I left the kitchen at a normal pace. I didn’t want to show I’m scared. I went to my room n made an S.O.S call and poured out my heart to a friend. My friend listened patiently and did not laugh at me. My friend comforted me and said everything will be all right. My friend’s brother is a shrink so we decided to tell him this incident. Before we talked to him I told my brother about this. He didn’t believe me but also didn’t ay this on my face. He gave me different name. The meeting with the shrink gave me some other names though not for me but for voices. One was hallucination. When I heard it I thought have I gone mad? Only mentally disturbed hallucinated. He said something about my biological cycle being improper. No one believed me. For days I was scared to go in dark. I was scared to open the door of my room because I didn’t know what was there in dark behind that close door.

 

Few days back I was making some milkshake in kitchen. My brother was also there with me. He said he is going upstairs I said fine go ahead why are you telling me this? He started laughing and said because you hear strange woman’s voice. He called me psycho laughed and left.

 

Days passed by and I now wonder in the house till late. Now I’m not scared to go in dark. This does not mean i'm not scared; I'm just ignoring it or maybe its just voices in my head.